sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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