There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
