This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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