He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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