you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
