I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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