Do vagina's smell?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
