My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
