good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
