Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
