also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
