I cannot find my penis.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
