Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
