Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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