At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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