im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
