I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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