I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
