I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
