the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
