my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She's the barista slut.
I want her autograph on my taint
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
