dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
