You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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