Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
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