I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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