i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
