Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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