I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize