i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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