I could have mohawked her pubes.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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