Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
