I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize