i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
There r osticjed everywhere
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
