New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
