he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Randomize
