You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
