Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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