I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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