End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
