Only a mothe r could love this liver
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Floor bacon is actually really good
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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