I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
