Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
