i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
