sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
