A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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