I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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