So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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