Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
