Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm too high and old for this...
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
