i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
