my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Randomize