I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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