Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
