I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
