Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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