you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
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