Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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