just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
