She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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