maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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